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Your attractions may expand or they may remain the same. These stories may or may not resonate with you. His boyfriend enjoys playing the role of the innocent young college student and Jeremy enjoys being the take-charge dominator.Įach of us is different. His solution? He and his new 40-year-old boyfriend enjoy an active fantasy life. He has always been attracted to younger guys physically, but emotionally he feels more connected and compatible with guys his own age of 50. He is a painter who loves beauty and will even take the time to drive around the block to enjoy the visual of an attractive young guy walking down the street. While he is naturally more of a caretaker, he is now also letting himself be taken care of for the very first time. Today he is in the second year of a relationship with a 38-year-old man who can meet him emotionally. As therapy progressed he found his innate power and learned to express himself more freely in the world.Īs his empowered self-confidence grew he noticed that the 30-somethings and even a few 40-somethings began to look increasingly hot.
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He saw himself as “one down” compared to other adult men, and feared being overwhelmed by the power and needs of a more confident boyfriend. In therapy he uncovered that inside he felt very young. However, at age 60, he has no interest in being a “sugar daddy.” He wants a long term lover to share his passion for the outdoors, country music, and home remodeling. Will is attracted to young, thin men who evoke an air of innocence. He is now actively dating guys in their thirties and enjoying them. As this learning took hold he still found the young guys fun to look at, but less compelling. He bought into a cultural teaching that young cute guys are “the best.” He realized he experienced temporary relief from his inner critic when he was able to “bed the best.”ĭuring our work together Alan began to heal his shame and learned to appreciate his own body. In LGBTQ therapy he discovered that his exclusive focus on younger guys was related to the shame he felt about this body. Alan longed for a partner with the emotional maturity and economic stability that he himself had developed at mid-life. But he found it difficult to find a young guy interested in a long term relationship.
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He had no trouble finding guys in their early twenties for hook-ups who were attracted to his big size and warm personality. If you want to expand the age range of the people you date, and are prepared to consider this with self-compassion, then the following stories about gay men I’ve worked with might be helpful: “Alan” (all names have been changed)Īlan, a large man in his mid-forties, always hated his body and has struggled with his weight for his entire life. Some of us can bend our attractions, but few of us can change them dramatically. That doesn’t mean that the 20-somethings won’t always be sexy, but perhaps some of the 30-somethings can also be enticing. If your attraction to younger guys is causing you relationship pain you may be able to expand your desires. Gay men who want to increase their odds of finding a long term lover sometimes wish they could find guys in their thirties or older sexually attractive. Finding a younger guy ready to build an enduring partnership is possible, but perhaps harder to find. Some men find younger guys attractive but have been disappointed in finding a younger man who is also interested in a committed LGBTQ relationship. Use those lessons to unlearn any self-reproach you have about whom you find beautiful. You’ve probably already learned a lot about unpacking society’s arbitrary rules about attraction. If they hurt no one then they are good.Īs a gay man you have already spent years judging your LGBTQ sexuality. Your job is to accept your attractions rather than judge them. If you find 25-year-old-guys cute you probably will always find them cute.
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It’s like asking “Why do I prefer blondes over brunettes?” My advice is to let yourself enjoy dating whomever interests you (as long as they are over the age of 18). If you are happy dating gay men in their twenties, then this question is not important. Many of my LGBTQ counseling clients ask me why they are only attracted to gay men younger than themselves.